"I am alive. I am a human with a life. I only have one life and then I die and stop existing. You are an independent mind in this Universe that can do anything and everything they want or have ever dreamed of, and there's no point in being alive if you're not gonna do it." - Dan Howell
This is the choice quote that set me on the path to reconsidering what I'm actually doing with my existence. I was already in a state of disarray because it had recently occurred to me how little I'd actually accomplished in the last year as opposed to what I used to do, and how much I could have done had circumstances been different.
In the grand scheme of things: you are not important. You are one person, in one town, in one region, in one country, on one continent, on one planet, in one solar system, in one galaxy, in the Universe. You do not matter, and nothing you do will ever have any consequence on the Universe as a whole, or on existence; unless you happen to meet the Doctor, in which case you're a very special (and lucky) person indeed.
You have one human life, with which you can do whatever the hell you want, and then you die and stop existing. You aren't important (in a manner of speaking) to anybody but yourself, and as such it is vitally important that you do whatever you can (within reason) to make yourself happy.
A few days after Dan made his rather shockingly philosophical video, John Green went and did the same thing. He spoke of how the idea of 'deciding what to do with your life' is like somebody telling you that in four years time you're going to have to pick one musical note to listen to for the rest of your life and you could never listen to any others. You would spend a lot of time being anxious about making such a huge decision, and debating the pros and cons of various musical notes. However, life isn't like that. Whilst it is true that as life goes on your opportunities will continue to narrow until eventually you're dead; you can do lots of things. You are always deciding what to do with your life. With each passing year, day, hour, minute, even second, you are deciding what you want to do next, how you want to continue, and what you want to do with your life. The future may be a blank slate, but it doesn't mean that once you've chosen something you want to do that that slate is filled forever. It's more of a canvas that you're free to express whatever you like on. It's a bit like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly lifey-wifey stuff.
Yesterday on Tumblr, I found a photo-set of inspirational ideas for artists, and creators. Things with powerful messages, and tips for breaking through in your chosen field, generally encompassing art, music, writing, making YouTube videos, etc. One said that there is a gap, between where you see yourself being as a creator, and where you are now. That no matter how much you produce, you'll never seem to be as good as you want to. It said that most people give up once they reach this hurdle. Once it seems as though they'll never achieve what they want they give up in search of an easier ride. I viewed this as telling me how to get my YouTube content noticed more. I have around about 79 subscribers (true as of the last time I checked) and that is a fairly respectable number. My older videos continue to grow and gain views, despite their age. In the video manager section, there's a bright blue box telling me that I can "monetize my videos" by "becoming a partner today". Every time I see it, I just think: "What's the point?" I don't have a large enough viewer base, and my videos only seem to hit the 100 view mark once they've been out for at least a month or so. They take a while to build up. I look back at some of the first videos I made around 3 or 4 years ago and see that they have from a few hundred views up to over a thousand views. Then I think to myself, yes the view count is pretty high, but they're years old.
Recently it occurred to me though, that I only make about one video a month, if that. If I produced more videos, say one a week, or maybe even more than that, I would accumulate more attention. That's basically what that photo was saying. As much as I want to, for one reason or another, I never make as many videos as I plan to, or do what I say I'm going to do. That's what my recent apology video was about. It's also evident when looking at this blog. At one point I was going to watch and review 100 VHS movies; I didn't write one single review of the sort. I'm not sure if I even published the post or not, but at one point I was going to review songs/albums/etc. and it was going to be a regular segment called 'Aaronicus' Funky Funky Music BREAKDOWN'. That never happened. Nothing I say I'm going to do happens, and if it does, it doesn't for a long time.
If I want to cross that gap. If I want to build a bridge, and fight the oncoming waves of demons between my current self, and where I'd like to be as a YouTuber, I need to start putting out more, and creating more. It's something I always wanted to do. If I could, I would make videos everyday; but I'm never 'in the right mindset'.
A friend of mine started making YouTube videos properly literally only two weeks ago. He has 30 subscribers, and his videos are getting around about the same amount of attention as my newest videos are. Besides the fact that he has an amazing personality, and a popular(ish) Tumblr page with loyal fangirls to whom he can spam his channel link; I wholeheartedly believe that he has garnered his much-deserved following through hard work, and the fact that he uploads at least one video every couple of days, which he puts a considerable amount of effort into.
Another of these photos spoke of how our mind will always be five years more advanced than our hands. My goal as a guitarist/musician is to be good enough at my instrument that I can express myself however I want with it. That I can write my own music, and over time, be able to play whatever I set my mind to. As I go about my day to day life, I often come up with a rhyming couplet here, a verse there, a guitar riff or a solo, or even sometimes an entire song. My problem, is that I'm neither confident nor competent enough to make my creations a reality. If this five years theory is true, then in five years time, I should (assuming I keep at it) be good enough to actually play the solos and things I come up with, and cover all of the songs I love right now. On the flip-side of things however, I'll then be coming up with even more technically complex songs, and want to cover even more difficult things, that will be five years out of my grasp. But that negative side of things doesn't seem to phase me. The idea of it all is that if I keep going, keep practising, and work hard, using the time I have on this planet to do something that I want to do - I will get to where I'd like to be. It just takes time, and determination.
Finally, today, I finished reading Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. A lot of the things I took away from it, and it's startlingly accurate future predictions, are actually quite frightening, however I did take something from it that was extremely positive, and greatly aided in my 'life changing revelations'. Near the end of the novel, Granger speaks of how the dead are remember not for themselves; but for the things they did. It's the idea of having a legacy made blindingly clear. I remember my grandma for the person she was, how she was probably the nicest person I've ever had the fortune to meet. How she was a Christian, but used her religion solely to better herself, rather than forcing it upon other people, or to argue with people with different beliefs. How my first ever sleep-over without my parents was round her house. How we used to go into town or out shopping, or to visit her cousin. How she loved the theatre, and was probably my main inspiration for wanting to become an actor, and for being the person that I am today. I remember her for the things she did, and for the impact she had on my life.
We remember artists not for who they were, but for the fabulous paintings they produced when they were alive, and for the effect they had on other people. When we think of musicians, we only think of them for the music that they have created, be it good or bad. They are represented by their work.
One of the analogies I found particularly striking in Fahrenheit was that of the lawn cutter vs. the gardener. A lawn cutter simply cuts the grass - it will eventually grow back, and there will have been no point in them being there. The gardener, however, changes things. He plants flowers, or cuts things down, or moves things around so it's more aesthetically pleasing, or more practical. When you look at freshly mowed grass, that is all it is: freshly mowed grass; but when you look at a well-designed garden, you think about it more. The gardener shaped this space into something that is truly their own. If nothing else, they will be remembered for this garden.
You're remembered for what you did during your time on this Earth, and for the things that you left behind. My aim is to do what makes me happy during life, and to keep on creating things, so that once I'm gone, the populace will have something to remember me by. I won't be remembered, but my actions, and my creations will.
If ever I create something that gains world renown, or I become famous in one way or another: let it be cited that Dan Howell, The Vlogbrothers, and Ray Bradbury had a massive effect on my life, and on the shaping of my future. So good luck to all, in achieving what you want to do with your existence, and... well... YOLO.
As thanks to everyone who read this lengthy blog, and what is hopefully my triumphant return to creating, and to what I achieved once upon a time, here is one of my favourite songs right now, for your enjoyment:
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